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10 Best Tools of All Time
10 Best Tools of All Time
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you need it. Besides there
are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.
- Duct Tape - Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic.
It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more
- in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse
competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas
rockets use it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a
quarter and a phone booth.
- Vice Grips - Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister,
breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of
your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up
beyond repair.
- Spray Lubricants - A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator,
and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main
hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part
of these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look
at it cross eyed (one of the 10 _worst_ tools of all time).
- Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids - If you spend all your time under the hood
looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the pertal valve when you knocked both off the
air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless
vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward.
(Some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel
bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a
time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
- Big Rock at the Side of the Road - Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery
terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have
yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is
the only tool with which a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with the
user's maiming.
- Plastic Zip Ties - After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old
bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked-up version to the auto parts market.
Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur- quality wiring from a working
model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of
course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie under
the hood.
- Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver - Let's admit it. There's nothing better
for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flatbladed
screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool
of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver--and you will just like
Dad and your shop teacher said--who cares, it has a lifetime guarantee.
- Baling Wire - Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything
that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse
contenders, since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing
again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG,
Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
- Bonking Stick - This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is
technically known as a tie-rod separator, but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once
every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose
application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature
doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good
bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a
lousy job of it).
- A Quarter and a Phone Booth. See tip #1 above.
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